Wintering and Boundaries

Well, it's that time of year again. What time may you ask? The time when there is more darkness than daylight in a day, or when we have to sit in our cars early in the morning to wait for the windshield to defrost? Or the time when we internally cringe at the thought of sitting next to our politically different uncle or cousin or sibling for Thanksgiving dinner? Or when we’re ambushed with thirty different emails about BOGO deals or 30% Black Friday sales and feel inclined to buy even though our bank account is screaming at us to stop? To answer that question, it’s all of the above! Therefore, now is the perfect time to revisit self-care, wellness, and boundary habits. 

To touch a bit more on the topic of Thanksgiving, whether you have difficult family members, or you yourself don’t observe the holiday, the statement applies to all: no is an acceptable response, and it is the responsibility of others to process their own feelings. Thanksgiving may be the best time of year for you, or the worst, or somewhere in between. Whatever feelings come up, it is okay to prioritize those feelings and your own well-being, while allowing others to do the same.

Transitioning from Thanksgiving time into the winter, I will share a keyword for this time of the year, wintering. Coined by the author, Katherine May in her book, Wintering: The Power of Rest and Retreat in Difficult Times, the word wintering means a season in the cold. As May puts it, winter is “a time of withdrawing from the world, maximizing scant resources, carrying out acts of brutal efficiency and vanishing from sight.” Nature doesn’t fight that time of year but uses it to its advantage. Though we can’t all take a 3-month break from work and hibernate in our homes, we can use this time of year among all the stress to rest and practice compassion for ourselves, hence wintering. We can take things slow and try to focus on what fulfills us, as that is gravely needed this time of year.

The holiday season can be a tricky and overwhelming time for many. Navigating family members who don’t accept “no,” or memories of lost loved ones bubbling to the surface. An important reminder during this time is it’s okay to put yourself first. In other words, practicing healthy boundaries. Boundaries, according to Nedra Glover Tawwab in her book, Set Boundaries, Find Peace, is defined as self-care. When we consistently honor our own needs and can communicate them to others, we are taking care of ourselves. Sharing with your family members that you don’t want to talk about your weight, insisting that you are not interested in drinking at Thanksgiving dinner, or setting aside time each day to practice mindfulness or read (regardless of your day) are all examples of boundary setting. Incorporating boundary setting with wintering might mean prioritizing more sleep in this time of rest or investing in a warm light lamp (whether it actually produces more serotonin or is a placebo effect, who cares). Katherine May shared that when she began to feel the “drag of winter,” she treated herself with more “kindness and love.” Here is your permission to do exactly that.

In our newsletter, Jared, one of our therapists, wrote about creating new “rituals” during the winter months to “emphasize engaging with the unique qualities of the season, as opposed to focusing on just getting through it." As does everyone in the PNW, I struggle with seasonal depression. What personally helps me is to remind myself that this is not the time to pressure yourself to meet goals. To lose those ten pounds or become the master of a hobby. It is to be mindful of how your body and mind feel while accepting that this time of year is rough for everyone. It can be a reflective time of what growth happened for you during the year as nature goes to sleep for several months. Look at it this way, I’ve heard from numerous clients that they feel this pressure to be outside when it’s sunny most of the spring and summer. It can feel “wrong” to sit inside and read a book or binge-watch The Office for the billionth time. There is less pressure to rest and relax at home in the winter when it’s pouring rain outside or the temperature is below freezing. Read that book, watch that TV show, make those baked goods, and most importantly, rest. 

However, when that sun peaks out even for ten minutes and you have the time, it would be a good idea to inhale the fresh air, stretch out those legs, and look up at the trees that are slowing down just as much as you are. It can also be a good time to prioritize friends. Hibernate together, with coffee dates, reading sessions, setting up walking challenges, or if you’re one of those 'active-wake-up-early-to head-up-the-mountain-winter-PNW' people (I don’t know how you all do it), partake in outdoors winter activities. In summary, this is a tough time for many and you are not alone. Be gentle, be kind, and be gracious with yourself. The flowers will bloom again!