To Attach or Not to Attach
To Attach or Not to Attach
- posted: Feb. 14, 2025
Valentine’s Day can either be a day of joy with dedicated time with your partner, filled with chocolates, hearts and sometimes “I love yous,” or it can be a day of the stark and hollow reminder that you are romantically alone, without someone to share a connection with. It can also be a day where you are desperately trying to fill the void by looking for a date or revisiting your past by texting an ex. And for the quiet sufferers, it can be a reminder of the grief deep in your heart, the one who “got away” or the one who left you with your heart in pieces. No matter what Valentine’s Day means to you, it brings up thoughts of love, loneliness, and anywhere in between.
Love can look different from one person to the next. It can be the selfless deed your partner makes or the shared memories under a full moon. To some, love can feel suffocating and trapping, and to others, it can be freeing and warm. How we view and feel love depends on our attachment style. Attachment Theory was theorized by John Bowlby in the 1930s, finding that children’s behaviors differed based on the level of love and attention they received from their caregivers. It was developed further by Mary Ainsworth and Mary Main, who coined the different attachment styles: Secure, Dismissive Avoidant, Disorganized (Fearful Avoidant), or Anxious Preoccupied. Our attachment style typically forms within the first few years of our life, though it is on a case-by-case basis. For some, their attachment style can be influenced while still in the womb because of the chemicals/nerves they absorb from their mother. Our attachment style can also depend on how well we can regulate our emotions within conflict and notably, romantic relationships.
Without this blog post becoming too much of a school lecture, I’ll TLDR the definitions and origins, from the Attachment Project website.
Secure - this person most likely had a consistent and stable childhood, with caregivers who were reliable and emotionally stable. According to the Attachment Project, securely attached people can:
Handle conflict calmly
Feel comfortable in both relationships and on their own
Differentiate thoughts from feelings
Maintain a balanced sense of self and confidence
Dismissive Avoidant - this person typically had a childhood that lacked emotional stability or no emotions whatsoever. It wasn’t safe for this person to express their emotions and never learned to emotionally regulate so they suppressed them all together. DA can experience:
Difficulty seeking support and admitting they need help
Extreme self-reliance and independence
A tendency to have a positive self-view yet a negative or critical view of others
Maintaining or increasing distance when others try to connect emotionally
Anxious Preoccupied - this person had a parent or parents who were at times emotionally available but inconsistent therefore the person never felt safe and stable in their relationship with their caregivers. They deeply fear abandonment. AP can experience:
Catastrophic thinking, such as picturing things going very wrong, very easily
A positive view of others, but a negative view of themselves
Putting great effort into relationships, to the extent of self-sacrifice
Immense difficulty with receiving criticism and rejection
As for disorganized attachment (or fearful-avoidant), it is a mixture of both avoidant and anxious attachment. These people deeply crave love and intimacy but once they receive it, they feel uncomfortable with connection and do not trust others. These people also did not have a consistent childhood and may have experienced some form of trauma. They tend to oscillate between anxious and avoidant behaviors depending on their triggers. Some other examples include:
Poor emotional regulation
Seeking extreme closeness or extreme distance
Inconsistency within own romantic relationships
Fear of abandonment
Low self-esteem
Resistance to form secure attachments due to trust issues
Among all the attachment styles, anxiously attached and avoidants tend to be drawn the most to each other, on a chemical level. But the relationship historically ends in traumatic heartbreak, typically for the anxiously attached. The pattern repeats until those with an insecure attachment seek therapy to repair their style to become securely attached. Whether you are reading this blog as someone who is in a relationship, or single, take this as a sign to reflect on your current or past relationships. Do you resonate with one of these attachment styles? It may be the answer to some of your questions about why you struggle to maintain relationships, feel unsafe/unstable, or panic as soon as the relationship becomes too serious or intimate.
The Attachment Project has a free quiz that helps determine your attachment style. Whether you are alone or with someone this Valentine’s Day, know that how you feel and receive love is unique to you and it is something to embrace instead of fear or ruminate over. If you are single/alone this February 14th, know that you are not alone emotionally. There is a loneliness epidemic happening and there is someone somewhere, who is feeling the same way as you. Treat yourself as you should and give yourself the love you so dearly desire.
To Attach or Not to Attach
- posted: Feb. 14, 2025
Valentine’s Day can either be a day of joy with dedicated time with your partner, filled with chocolates, hearts and sometimes “I love yous,” or it can be a day of the stark and hollow reminder that you are romantically alone, without someone to share a connection with. It can also be a day where you are desperately trying to fill the void by looking for a date or revisiting your past by texting an ex. And for the quiet sufferers, it can be a reminder of the grief deep in your heart, the one who “got away” or the one who left you with your heart in pieces. No matter what Valentine’s Day means to you, it brings up thoughts of love, loneliness, and anywhere in between.
Love can look different from one person to the next. It can be the selfless deed your partner makes or the shared memories under a full moon. To some, love can feel suffocating and trapping, and to others, it can be freeing and warm. How we view and feel love depends on our attachment style. Attachment Theory was theorized by John Bowlby in the 1930s, finding that children’s behaviors differed based on the level of love and attention they received from their caregivers. It was developed further by Mary Ainsworth and Mary Main, who coined the different attachment styles: Secure, Dismissive Avoidant, Disorganized (Fearful Avoidant), or Anxious Preoccupied. Our attachment style typically forms within the first few years of our life, though it is on a case-by-case basis. For some, their attachment style can be influenced while still in the womb because of the chemicals/nerves they absorb from their mother. Our attachment style can also depend on how well we can regulate our emotions within conflict and notably, romantic relationships.
Without this blog post becoming too much of a school lecture, I’ll TLDR the definitions and origins, from the Attachment Project website.
Secure - this person most likely had a consistent and stable childhood, with caregivers who were reliable and emotionally stable. According to the Attachment Project, securely attached people can:
Handle conflict calmly
Feel comfortable in both relationships and on their own
Differentiate thoughts from feelings
Maintain a balanced sense of self and confidence
Dismissive Avoidant - this person typically had a childhood that lacked emotional stability or no emotions whatsoever. It wasn’t safe for this person to express their emotions and never learned to emotionally regulate so they suppressed them all together. DA can experience:
Difficulty seeking support and admitting they need help
Extreme self-reliance and independence
A tendency to have a positive self-view yet a negative or critical view of others
Maintaining or increasing distance when others try to connect emotionally
Anxious Preoccupied - this person had a parent or parents who were at times emotionally available but inconsistent therefore the person never felt safe and stable in their relationship with their caregivers. They deeply fear abandonment. AP can experience:
Catastrophic thinking, such as picturing things going very wrong, very easily
A positive view of others, but a negative view of themselves
Putting great effort into relationships, to the extent of self-sacrifice
Immense difficulty with receiving criticism and rejection
As for disorganized attachment (or fearful-avoidant), it is a mixture of both avoidant and anxious attachment. These people deeply crave love and intimacy but once they receive it, they feel uncomfortable with connection and do not trust others. These people also did not have a consistent childhood and may have experienced some form of trauma. They tend to oscillate between anxious and avoidant behaviors depending on their triggers. Some other examples include:
Poor emotional regulation
Seeking extreme closeness or extreme distance
Inconsistency within own romantic relationships
Fear of abandonment
Low self-esteem
Resistance to form secure attachments due to trust issues
Among all the attachment styles, anxiously attached and avoidants tend to be drawn the most to each other, on a chemical level. But the relationship historically ends in traumatic heartbreak, typically for the anxiously attached. The pattern repeats until those with an insecure attachment seek therapy to repair their style to become securely attached. Whether you are reading this blog as someone who is in a relationship, or single, take this as a sign to reflect on your current or past relationships. Do you resonate with one of these attachment styles? It may be the answer to some of your questions about why you struggle to maintain relationships, feel unsafe/unstable, or panic as soon as the relationship becomes too serious or intimate.
The Attachment Project has a free quiz that helps determine your attachment style. Whether you are alone or with someone this Valentine’s Day, know that how you feel and receive love is unique to you and it is something to embrace instead of fear or ruminate over. If you are single/alone this February 14th, know that you are not alone emotionally. There is a loneliness epidemic happening and there is someone somewhere, who is feeling the same way as you. Treat yourself as you should and give yourself the love you so dearly desire.