I believe strongly in consent.... so why do I find it so hard to say 'no'

Consent. Its 2025 and many people have spent time considering ‘consent’. Many parents have
‘consent’ on their radar among various life-lessons for young children. Many are haunted by
memories of feeling unable to consent, unable to withdraw consent, or being unprepared to give
informed consent. But consent is so much more than simply saying ‘no’ to sexual advances or
uncomfortable propositions. We need to start thinking about consent in terms of how we establish
our boundaries and how these are respected by others. Consent leaves fingerprints on so many
other areas: People pleasing, sacrificing self care, putting the needs of others first, and caregiver
burnout. If we want our children (and ourselves) to exert consent in highly emotional situations, we
need to practice this in other areas of life.
A few weeks ago, I was at a community Halloween party with my daughter. She had baked a cake
for her friends. As I cut the cake, the kids gathered around to receive a piece. One of my daughter’s
friends called out:
“That sure is a tiny piece!”
The other kids went silent. The comment seemed rude. Before I could formulate a response, I heard
my daughter’s confident voice:
“What are you talking about? Its 3 layers tall! That’s actually a pretty big piece.” I was off the hook. I
continued to cut the cake. Before I had finished serving all the kids, the same child called out:
“That was great! Can I have another piece?”
Again, my daughter beat me to the punch:
“There isn’t enough for everyone to have a second piece so everyone will get one piece.”
Man, I thought to myself, Who’s kid is this?
But her friend continued:
“Please?? Please can I have another piece? It was so good. I didn’t get enough.” My daughter
smiled but shook her head at her friend who persisted, “I really want another piece. Please??
Please? PLEASE??”
Finally, my daughter said to her, “We also brought a bag of oreos. Do you want one?” And her friend
took a cookie.
No sooner was the last child served and I was about to put the cake away, the requests started
again. My daughter held firm. Then a new request:
“Well, can I share a piece with someone?” At this point I was having a hard time not rolling my eyes.
There was no way I would have let one of my kids continue like this - but this was someone else’s
child and I definitely know that I’m a stricter parent than some.
My daughter faltered for a moment, then said quietly “You’re going to have to ask the Boss Lady.”
Darn. That would be me.
To be completely clear, I was brimming with pride for my daughter. She hadn’t caved. She hadn’t
gotten frustrated or mean…. She had held her ground and when it got too much, she had called in
for back up…. Exactly as I’ve taught her to do.
I followed up my daughter’s glowing behavior and boundaries with an epic mommy-fail…. As soon
as I said the words, I regretted it

“I guess so.” Even as I said them, I felt icky. My daughter had set up a beautiful boundary and I
had crushed it with 3 short words because I was worried about being ‘The strict parent.’ But it was
too late. I couldn’t take it back.
There was so much wrapped up in this interaction:
1. In order to be able to say ‘no,’ children need to learn to hear it and respect it. Don’t get me
wrong, my kids have also followed me around a grocery store begging for candy, thrown a fit
when it was time to leave the playground, or suddenly gone deaf when its time to turn off the
tv…. Sometimes it feels uncomfortable, disappointing, unfair even to hear ‘no.’ Most children
will push boundaries on this point as they also figure out how to assert themselves.
The word ‘no’ protects us and other people. The word ‘no’ helps us to regulate
ourselves around other people. The word ‘no’ is important. If a child has never had to
receive ‘no’ for an answer, that child will likely learn that other people don’t want to hear them
say ‘no.’ What are we actually teaching a child who has never had to respect a boundary?
That they don’t need their boundaries to be respected either.
2. It is not up to the nay-sayer to justify their response. In our house, “No” is a full sentence. It
can be validating to give a reason for why we are saying no - though it is not a requirement.
We trust that a boundary is being made for safety and well being, not with malicious intent.
(And in the example, PLENTY of reasons had already been provided and they were ignored
anyways! Sometimes, we have to respect boundaries even if we don’t like them!)
3. Compromising is a different skill. In some situations, a compromise is necessary - but let’s
not confuse these skills. Compromise is not superior to boundary setting. Have you ever
thought of yourself as a people pleaser? Have you ever wondered if you compromise too
much of yourself? Have you ever been so scared of conflict, that you have made a
compromise you do not like? This is an indication that you might be searching for a
compromise when a boundary would be healthier. A compromise that violates a boundary is
not a successful compromise.
Not all of these guidelines and core beliefs are things that I grew up with. I hear many women reflect
on their own childhood and adolescence, wishing they were taught healthy boundaries, consent,
self-worth. In her book “Queen Bees and Wannabes”, Rosalind Wiseman discusses social
dynamics and pressures for teen girls. She carefully weaves an invitation for adult readers to reflect
on their own childhoods with the intention of acknowledging the shortcomings they experienced so
as not to replicate these on their daughters or project unrealistic expectations on the next
generation. I walked away from the cake experience realizing that I could talk to my daughter about
the behaviors I wanted her to have, but I have some learning to do when it comes to modeling these
for her.
Wiseman weaves an important and humbling theme into her book: Checking our own baggage. I
grew up in a family of caregivers. My parents were both medical professionals, and my siblings and I
all went into medical careers. Our household was hyper-alert to the needs of others, how we could
serve the sick and vulnerable, and gratitude for our privileges. With strong values of caregiving and
service, I found a career that I adore. The price is coming to terms with my own boundaries:
identifying that I have boundaries to begin with, identifying that if my boundaries aren’t respected, it’s
not only me impacted, it can be others as well. Acknowledging that I can only do so much to take
care of myself and if others do not respect my boundaries, I will burn out.

Several hours after my daughter’s halloween party, (after much rumination and argument with my
inner critic), I settled on a response I wish I had used with my daughter’s friend “Your friend has
made it pretty clear what’s being offered. I’m glad you enjoyed your cake.”
My hope is that my daughter will continue to be confident in establishing her own boundaries. I hope
that she will continue to develop healthy habits around consent. And I hope that I will be brave
enough to support her when she calls me in for back up.